This is going to be one of my last blog posts for The Self Worth Diet. After trying hard to make this blog/book, etc. successful I was not able to get much traction so I’m going in a different direction. I hope you will all follow me to the new venture, “Amateur Therapy.” Which is a new blog/YouTube Show/Book etc.
You can’t have success unless you have some failures but never give up. Failure actually helps you. Enjoy the article. xoxo Mara
Last week I found myself in the emergency room for a runaway migraine. The “ER” I went to was at Sherman Oaks Hospital. It is not a full emergency room, more like a Motel 6 with medication. I always said to myself, “that is a strip mall hospital, who would go there?” And there I was, going there.
But let’s go back to when it all started, with migraine #1 a week before the emergency room. The first migraine was triggered by my emotional and spiritual temper tantrum that I had after another month of getting my period. It’s coming up on 4 years of trying to get pregnant.
On top of getting my monthly friend…again, my blog, business, book proposal, everything I’d been working hard for three years was also crashing and burning. I just couldn’t make any of it successful.
My blog/business was my ticket out of my tedious, non-creative day job as an assistant in an entertainment law firm where I’m treated like a second class citizen all because I don’t have a law degree. But I need the job because it pays well and I’m in so much debt from fertility treatments.
So basically nothing was panning out for me and to say I was disappointed is an understatement. I just couldn’t take it anymore and lost my shit. I’m talking full on crying, throwing of water bottles and trying to jump out of a moving car. Yeah, I have a flair for the drama.
Shortly after the first migraine/drama fest I got a sinus infection. I had no idea I had one, I just thought the migraine wasn’t going away. So, I thought the best thing to do was to ignore it. I went to the beach to do a “letting go” ceremony regarding my fertility and my career.
The beach in Malibu was a recipe for disaster. My usual quiet beach was crowded. I was determined to do my “letting go” ceremony which is ironic that I couldn’t let go of the “letting go” ceremony.
The trek down to the beach was treacherous and it was really hard to find a spot. I found a little one near the really rocky portion at the beginning of the beach. The sun was in my eyes and the sun is a huge migraine trigger for me.
I meditated through all the noise, then wrote down everything I wanted to let go of. When I released the torn up writing into the ocean my feet got hit with crashing rocks which made my toes bleed.
On the way back to the car I was feeling nauseous. I thought maybe it was just the sun and drove back home to the valley through the mountains and my ears were killing me.
When I got home, the pain came on, I’m talking severe pain. I took some Imitrex (migraine medication) but it really wasn’t working that well and I proceeded to throw up everything I ate that day.
I had pain in my sinuses and pain in my right temple. The Imitrex put me to sleep but when I woke up the pain was back so I called my husband and he left work to take me to the hospital. Then I went to see my doctor who diagnosed the sinus infection and put me on a heavy duty anti biotic.
What was happening was a full week of me completely breaking down/purging physically and emotionally. The thing is, I’ve been here before. When I was newly sober literally within a week I lost my marriage and my job and found myself homeless sleeping in my car. I had a similar breakdown then.
There was a book I read at that time called, “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. Basically, when things fall apart they’re really falling together. God has a way of clearing out the old so the new can be brought in and I have to trust his plan is far better than what I could think of.
There were many revelations that happened around this time. Such as, I had to let go of the really old idea that somehow if I was “successful” (children, money, a fancy career) that I would finally be somebody and have self-worth. The drive to prove I wasn’t the loser, black sheep anymore literally drove me to insanity.
But the biggest revelation was that I created a blog called the selfworthdiet.com all about cultivating healthy self-worth. Writing the blog actually helped me build myself worth and maybe that was the purpose of it all along.
My problems have always been solved by spiritual awakenings and spiritual awakenings in my experience are the breakthrough after the break down.