In recovery we’re taught to “cease fighting everything and everyone” which is hard especially when you’ve been wronged. Cease fighting everything and everyone doesn’t mean being a doormat or not saying how you feel. You absolutely say how you feel but then you let it go, you don’t get into an argument about it.
If the person has a spiritual program or lives with integrity they will not go after you but apologize for their behavior. If they don’t have a spiritual program or integrity they will go after you with everything they’ve got because you’ve bruised their fragile ego.
Let’s take for instance my first marriage to a questionably gay man. He so generously took all my money (the savings we had) and left me homeless. You see after moving out I lost my job at the same time, which led me to not be able to afford my apartment. I ended up sleeping in my car, then people’s couches, then with Princess Leia/Carrie Fisher.
But I was angry, real angry and I had a justifiable reason to be…look at what this man did to me! I retained an attorney and put the $5,000 dollar charge on my credit card because I literally had no money to my name. I asked the attorney to get me alimony. I didn’t care about anything else I just needed some help so I could get back on my feet.
My attorney and I fought for that alimony and he fought me back with his attorney. He was not budging and didn’t think I was owed or entitled to anything. Harsh words about me being a former drug addict and other things ensued. It really hurt.
I was crying to a friend about it and he said to me, “would you rather be right or would you rather be comfortable?” I so badly wanted to be right and get him to pay me but I heard him, I knew what he was saying. It’s more important to be comfortable than right. It was just my ego that wanted “justice.”
So, I called my attorney and said, stop. Let’s just end the fight. I will manage with the money I’m making from temping and I will continue sleep on couches or at Carrie’s house. I had surrendered and let go. I ceased fighting everyone and everything and gave up the need to be “right.” The next week my attorney called me and said that my ex-husband was going to give me alimony. It wasn’t much but it afforded me to get back on my feet.
A similar thing happened this past weekend when we hired a cleaning service and the woman who came to clean was three hours late. She also had a huge attitude, got on the phone and started yelling at her kid and barely did any cleaning…I mean nothing!
So we called the service and told them how unhappy we were. Well, my husband called because I was too angry. He was very nice about it and they sent over another maid who was awesome! She cleaned everything and we were very happy.
They asked us for an honest review and I gave one. Instead of the company (Check maid) siding with the customer which is what you do, because, “the customer is always right.” they sided with the first, lousy maid and shamed us for having a dirty apartment.
I wanted to email back but remembered that by living a spiritual life that I can’t get into these arguments and be “right.” So, I let it go and I feel much more comfortable.
You can’t control others behavior but you can control your own and that starts by living with integrity. Just because you’re invited to an argument doesn’t mean that you have to attend. So, the next time you’re in some sort of battle, stop and say to yourself, “Am I trying to be right?” If the answer is yes, choose to cease and you will be comfortable again. Self worth comes from squashing your ego’s need to be right and when you stop fighting everyone and everything.