One of the greatest gifts one gets in Alcoholics Anonymous is oneself. Meaning we get to find out who we really are. We do this by doing a personal inventory. We list all of our resentments, fears and even our sexual conduct on paper. What we really look at is our part, especially when it comes to resentments.
And we all have a part, believe me. I know a lot of stuff happens to us as kids that we have no control over and we may have been victims of abuse. Our part in those circumstances is that we carried that victim mentality into adulthood and lived in the self pity pool. We blamed those experiences for all of our failures in life and our inability to move forward.
We can blame our parents for our hardships until about the age of 18, then it’s all on us. Harsh reality but one we need to see in order to be free from resentments. Doing a personal inventory on yourself makes you see events more clearly.
For instance, I inadvertently married a gay man my first marriage. It makes a hilarious story but it was both embarrassing and hurtful. I had such a huge resentment against him for lying to me, for neglecting me, for wasting my valuable reproductive years…you name it. It went on and on. When I did a personal inventory my perception changed.
I realized after doing this inventory that my first marriage saved me. I also saw my part. I was a horrible drug addict; I knowingly entered a marriage and pursued a man who didn’t want me. I was selfish and wanted to be married and have children by a certain age, it didn’t matter to who.
When I did my personal inventory, I not only saw my part but I saw how that marriage saved me. My perception totally changed. My marriage to gay husband #1 gave me a soft cushion upon which I could fall apart. Had that marriage gone smoothly and the way I wanted it to, I would have never gotten sober.
Everything happens for a reason. I can’t look back at any event that has occurred whether good or bad and think that it was supposed to go some other way. It was going to go the way it was supposed to. Instead of looking back in regret I can see what the lesson is and then help others who will go through it.
I thought I was the biggest piece of you know what before I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous but by doing a personal inventory and living a spiritual life, I now know the real, true and authentic me and have learned how special I am.
I urge everyone today to write down their resentments, fears and sexual conduct and then write down your part in those resentments, why you have those fears and who have you hurt with your sexual conduct. It’s going to sting a little to see your part but you can finally transform and change if you do this.
I will leave you with this quote, “It’s not bad to make a mistake it’s bad to defend a mistake.” Anonymous
Have the courage to admit your mistakes, faults and fears. The truth will set you free. You will increase your self-worth when you begin to see yourself clearly.