I wrote this article years ago when I was single. I am now almost two years married. I was looking for the video I shot of my performance of “Dr. Marty’s Favorite Things” (a parody of the song, “These are a Few of My Favorite Things” that my friend Patrick and I performed together in “Sound of Music” costume. I took it down off YouTube because it was really hard dating while that video was out there. I’m going to find it again and re-post.
As we wait for my Huffington Post divorce and sex toys article, enjoy this one written many years ago about online dating. It’s racy so if you’re a family member or faint of heart, please do not read 🙂
The single scariest thing about getting a divorce is the fact that you have to dive head first into the dating waters, again. I had been out of the game so long that I didn’t realize how much the landscape had changed. You see, I met my husband in 1996; the internet was still relatively new. iPhones, Facebook, dating sites or Twitter weren’t invented yet. People met the old fashioned way…in person! In my opinion, the advent of all of this technology has made us a socially inept society and I’ve come to the conclusion the art of courting is in fact dead.
On-line dating is like playing poker in Vegas, you get lucky and win a few hands, but mostly you lose. In the end the house always wins. It’s true those sites are making a mint off of us! The majority of my on-line dates were like hanging out with the questionably mentally ill rejects from American Idol auditions.
My friend and fellow comic, Josh Wade (@joshwade) says it best, “On-line dating is like shopping for people at Marshall’s. Sure, you can find a gem here and there, but for the most part, it’s damaged goods. I don’t even consider it on-line dating. To me, it’s just a database of who is left.”
I think on-line dating should be called on-line sexting. Case in point, just recently a fellow comedian I’d never met, sent me a message on Facebook. In the guise of being “truthful” he told me that he masturbated to one of my Facebook photos…charming! Then came the question one would get if they were dating let’s say Kanye West or Anthony Weiner…”Can I send you a picture of my penis?”
What?! It’s sad but the meat and two veg pix is very common in the current dating world. Here is my theory on the penis picture phenomenon. I believe sending a c—k shot is a primal urge for some men. It is the equivalent of male apes showing female apes their junk in order to mate. What these amateur photographers are saying is…”I’d like to have sex with you. Here is a picture of my best asset. Are you interested or not?”
It’s not like I expected a guy I met on Facebook to have a conversation with me about Foucault’s pendulum, but maybe, where did you grow up would have been a better lead in? I asked my girlfriends if they would like to receive unsolicited schvantz pictures and most were repulsed by the idea.
On JDate a guy asked me if he could send a video of him masturbating. “You know that’s okay, I have tons of Netflix DVD’s I haven’t watched yet.” I said.
Then there was “Dr. Marty” also from JDate. He sent me a list of his favorite things he likes to do when spending time with a woman. Here they are verbatim:
“1) Notice, enjoy and share the humor that is part of everyday life. 2) Cuddle with someone I really like. 3) Eat Spicy food and chocolate.”
Awww isn’t that sweet? I like those things too.
“4) Eat the pussy of someone I really like.”
Ummm, wait, what?!
“5) Admire and fondle the boobs of someone I really like. You could combine #2 and #4, as both are forms of eating, but if I were to combine any two of these it would be #4 and #5, as I could do them both at the same time if you sit on my face, I assure you it’s a comfortable place.”
I like the lunch special combos. I’m wondering if I could get a side salad with the #4 or #5.
Dr. Marty was well aware that I’m a comedian and a writer but still thought it was a good idea to send me this list. I’ll admit I did find it hilarious and wrote a comedy bit called “Dr. Marty’s favorite things.” I changed the lyrics to the Sound of Music’s “Favorite Things” song to include Dr. Marty’s list. I sang my version of the song while wearing a Von Trapp dress. It killed.
Dr. Marty got progressively creepier. On “hump” Wednesday’s he would send me a picture of a couple “doing it.” Then the many penis shots arrived. What was providing me good comedy material was now making me feel as if I should take a “Silkwood Shower.”
Women are seduced between their ears not by what’s between your legs? I hope to God the digital age hasn’t ruined romance and wooing.
To be truthful, I’m scared of the on-line dating scene. I don’t want to receive any more schlong photos. So, for the meantime I will be in a relationship with myself. Although dating myself is difficult because I never return my own phone calls.